& then I remembered, it's ok.

Sometimes I have so much to say; however, the utterances of my heart rarely seem to procreate these days. My world is different, life is changing all around me. My thoughts are there, and my heart is speaking, but no one seems to be around to hear them anymore. What I really mean, is no one hears what’s unheard. Which is fine in the aspect of, what human could you possibly expect to hear what’s on your heart? Unrealistic expectations of people were never probable, nor did they ever get anyone what they hoped for.(someone to simply understand) How often do I expect people to automatically know the essence of my heart without as much as one word from my mouth? How many times has this in turn, happened to me? I’ve been left wondering countless times why it is I couldn’t understand someone’s feelings. I realize later that maybe if I was explained, even in the slightest way how they were feeling, I might understand a sliver of what they feel. But no, because these days vulnerability is something to fear. Trust yourself, and no one else. It leads me to wonder, do we build our walls because we are trying, and fighting to keep people out? Or are these walls, keeping people from our interior selfs built because we just honestly want to see who is going to take the sincere time to knock them down?

Dear Jesus,

I haven't been a good follower of You. I have messed up and been broken down so much. I've tried to stand up on my own, but repeatedly just fall back again. I try to give you my heart, but I hold onto it too tightly. I say I give you my time, but I never spend enough of it with you. I strive to be like You, though no one would be able to tell lately. I want my actions to show my love for You, but have they? I've done nothing but fail You, Lord, and here I am on my knees asking for You to forgive me. Forgive me for not giving You my all, forgive me for making my time my own, You are a sovereign God worth more than what I have to offer.

I belong to You. I give you my life and my time; though all of me will never be enough, I am Yours. I am willing to sacrifice everything in this world, all that I know, to follow You. I want to be made new by Your love. My heart is held by You, and You alone. I will no longer try to take control. Where you call me to go, I will drop everything and diligently go where You say. I drop everything that I am to become who You've called me to be.

I am Yours.

Thailand & such

"When I first saw you, I knew we would be friends" - Minnie That's Minnie and Snow singing one of my favorite songs that Jordan taught to them. It was a really special and one of my favorite moments of the trip! Minnie is a girl who became my little buddy immediately, it's kind of like we sought each other out and became buddies. <--There's her and I during class time.

Me and 25 of my team members set out for our adventure to Thailand, with a population of .6% Christians. (yes, point six percent!) It started when we all met at Liberty University on July 4th-- after getting to know each other and quickly becoming close brothers and sisters in Christ and after a bit of training, we left for Thailand a few days later.  Our first flight from Washington, D.C to Seoul, Korea took 15 hours. It was definitely intense, especially the fact that our connecting flight was suppose to take off 30 minutes after our landing- 26 people running through the airport to catch our next flight was not fun, but thank God we made it. After the 6 hour flight from S. Korea to Bangkok, Thailand we were finally there!

We stayed in a house/apartments on the Global English School's (G.E.S) property. The Ektrakul's own the school and their sons have all either gone to or graduated from 

Liberty University. Pretty much all the kids at G.E.S knew h

ow to speak english, and since our reason for going to Thailand was to present the gospel through teaching english, we didn't work a whole lot in the class rooms with the kids from G.E.S. Since we were living on campus we did get to play wit

h the kids there everyday, and a few of the days we helped the teachers out with teaching the kids science, reading, ect. G.E.S is a Christian school, but still about 98% of the students and their families are still buddhists. Most of the days we worked with kid from the temple schools. Over to the right is a picture of me and a few girls from the first school we taught. my group taught them parts of the body. They were incredible sweet and respectful kids.

Over to the right is a picture of me and a few girls from the first school we taught. My group taught them different parts of the body. They were incredibly sweet and respectful kids.  It was an english day camp for them, and one of the translators said the kids did not want us to leave. 

We also worked with schools that would be like a technical, or community college here in the U.S. That was a bit more challenging, but definitely just as rewarding. The last school we worked with was a university. It was really neat to be able to work with people out own age. Some of them have added me as a fri

end on Face book, which gives me the ability to keep in contact with them!

Here is a picture of BJ, Me and Crystal with the students from the University. 

One of my favorite experiences on this trip, was when we took the G.E.S students to a camp in Thailand. I thought I was going to be put with middle schoolers, but got there and found out I was put with high schoolers.  All I could think was, "Dear Gracious, I hope you know what you're doing God" When Christian and I (he was my co-counselor with our group of high schoolers) met with our group, we were told to come up with a team name and a team cheer and play some ice breakers. The ice breakers failed, and even though we all tried to remember each other's name it was still hard. We ended up breaking out of our meeting without a team name or cheer... Which was definitely discouraging on my part. I felt like I hadn't done a good job and that none of these high schoolers liked me. The next day there were a bunch of different activities and our group split up-- we played a lot of low ropes, which the girls were not fond of and decided not to participate. At that point, I just felt like the worse counselor ever. Kasidet, (or his english name is Tony) one of the guys in my group told me later that I was doing fine, and that it's basically just the Thai culture to be more quiet. After bonding more with everyone, I knew God had put my right where He wanted me. I was able to share my faith with a few of them and now connect with them on face book as well.

These are just a few pictures from the low ropes at the Thai camp. 

One of the most beneficial days to me, was when our group went to volunteer at a school for children with special needs. Not just mental, but physical ones as well. In Thailand, when a child has a mental or physical need-- it is considered a curse, or karma. The children are normally taken out of the house to be kept away. The kids we worked with lived at the school. To be able to watch my teammates literally pour Christ's love into these children who don't even get loved by their own parents was crazy surreal for me. I heard God say "Aly, this is why I brought you here- pour out my love to the nation of Thailand" my heart was filled with overwhelming joy! I am incredibly blessed for that day, and that moment and I can only hope I was able to bless those children a fraction of how I came out of that day, and those weeks in Thailand blessed. 

Now that I've went into excruciating details of what we did there- I will share a little but of what I learned from being in Thailand. 

God transformed my heart to love the Thai people like I didn't know was possible. I didn't choose to go to Thailand. I didn't even know anything about Thailand to be honest. I knew it was in Asia and that was about it! I always thought of international missions in Africa, and that's where I always saw myself going... because they need Jesus... in Africa. My naive mind could never have comprehended the need for our Lord and savior in an Asian culture without experiencing it first hand. For that, I am immensely thankful for God choosing to use me this way. I didn't know one place could be so broken and lost. I asked God to let me, and my team see the Thai people the way He does and it broke my heart. 

One of the most difficult obstacles in sharing the gospel, is that buddhist are generally told to love, accept, and even believe other religions are real and true. After presenting the gospel, some Thai people will believe what you say, and think it's true but when you ask them if they want to follow Jesus they say no because you've just told them about sin and that sex, drugs, and alcohol can be considered a sin in God's eyes. Why would they want to follow a God who doesn't allow them to do the things they like? They have a good point. They don't think the same way we do- their minds are more abstract than ours, so any points of the gospel that would make sense to someone in the states, would be confusing to someone in Thailand, even if they did speak english.  

There was a moment while we were at the Thai camp, that me and a few of my team members looked up to the midnight sky and just stared at the beautiful stars. They were twinkling! I had never seen stars twinkle. It made me feel so small, so insignificant. I realized at that moment just how much I didn't deserve to be used by God in this way, that what I deserved was to be shackled, and broken. Jesus reminded me that He broke those chains, He died on the cross to fix my broken life, and when He rose again He chose ME to tell the world about it! And how grateful, and overwhelmed I was to know that the creator of the universe who went through extreme pain to save my life, wanted me to tell the world! Even those in Thailand. 

There is nothing greater than knowing He has a plan for you. It took me till the end of the trip to KNOW that God placed ME in Thailand for a REASON. I mean, I knew I would never be there without Him-- but I looked at the struggle of what it took to get me to Thailand, through my doubt and the struggle of raising the funds to be able to go. He basically had to scream to me that though it was painful trying to get to Thailand, and though I doubted His will-- There is healing in that. He blessed me beyond anything I could have ever deserved! 

Now, I know a lot of you are wondering-- would I go back to Thailand? The answer is YES. The moment God says go, that is all it will take. My heart, my soul, my life is in His hands.

Blessings in disguise

Today at work I saw a woman who looked like she wanted to snap of somebody's head. I tried to avoid making eye contact in fear that her glare may bruise my soul. Instead, I just skillfully watched her children in the pool to make sure they were safe and happy. Later she walked over to say something to them, and while doing so smiled at me and asked me how I was doing. I realized at that moment how I was practically writing this woman off as the grim reaper because of her default face. Goooo Aly. I could have smiled at her earlier and known this, but alas I chose the latter. 

I've also come to the realization that I'm not as accepting as I think that I am. I tolerate imperfections, flaws, annoyances really well from people that I love, and people that I care about. But I've noticed I'm not as ok with these things from people I don't know well. I've had a extremely low tolerance for people lately. Ignorant people, over eager, rude... Just in general. I've felt extremely overwhelmed by them and their mannerisms. But I've noticed in the past few days, that when you truly, and extremely care about someone in any way whatsoever, you're willing to accept, look past, and even begin to understand their imperfections, flaws and tiny little perks. As far as everyone else, well, maybe this has just been a lately type of thing. First step is realizing you're not doing something right. And I am certainly not... I'm of course not being rude, just not being as patient as I know I should and can be. 

Before you pack your things and go...

Just a quick post to share with everyone all the incredible things I have to look forward to this year:

Friday 29th: LC girls party+tie-dyeing

June 5th: grandparents drive from Illinois :)

June 6th: High school graduation

June 7th: High school grad. party

June 13-21: BLUE RIDGE LEADERS' SCHOOL 2009. :D

July 4th-24th: THAILAND. :)

Well, then along comes August and I move to Lynchburg, VA for Liberty :)

Ah praise you, Jesus for making my heart so excited for all these wonderful things to look forward to!

Carlos

My fish, Carlos died tonight.

Well, technically this morning. It's 2:17 AM and I found him... and hourish ago. Now, I don't feel so much like sleeping. I am thoroughly upset. Silly, you may think. But, I've had this fish for longer than a year & I became quite attached. He came with me to camp while I worked there for the entire last summer. (thank you Millers for feeding him and letting him live in the log cabin) He's been quite the comforter during sad times. 

I got him some new friends and a new tank--He loved it at first...but then something happened, and his eyes turned white...Next thing I knew he wasn't swimming anymore... ah, and do I replace him? I don't think I ever could. He was the best. 

Thank you, Carlos for being the best fish a girl could ask for.

and thank you, who is reading an entire blog about a girl mourning her fish.

-Aly

Sometimes, I just feel like disappearing.

Jesus, Your love has no bounds.

Do you ever feel like, no matter how hard you fight,

it's just a pathetic display  of your willpower?

But You were strong enough.

I'm falling on my knees; offering all of me.

Jesus, you're all this heart is living for.

Sometimes my heart hurts, sometimes I am jealous, sometimes I am sad, sometimes I don't know what to do, sometimes I am broken, sometimes I try harder than anyone notices, sometimes I wait a long time with no answer, sometimes I forget to listen, sometimes I forget what I stand for, sometimes I make decisions that I shouldn't, sometimes I reach too high, sometimes I lose hope, and sometimes I am scared; truly and honestly scared. 

I would never actually like to admit that. But this is my blogger in which no one ever reads. 

I'm scared. I'm scared about this summer going to Thailand and I'm scared about this fall attending Liberty University. I shouldn't worry- because God's plan for my life is going to be incredible. But, knowing that- I'm still afraid of being unsuccessful more than anything. 

I am eternally blessed, I have a father who loves me unconditionally, I am used by Christ, I am in love with Him, I have security in eternal life, I have a father who has overcome the world, I am never alone, when I am weak; my God is my strength, when I am strong; He makes me stronger, I serve the God who created the beginning and the end, He chooses to use a wretch like me, I am constantly growing in His love, my faith cannot be shattered, my hope lies in His truth, my heart belongs to Him, I have confidence that He will carry me through, He notices all the things that I do, He knows my sincerity, He reminds me to listen, when I break He puts me back together again-strong than before,  He has commanded me to be strong and courageous, truly and honestly strong and courageous.

I've realized, you can never truly see God's plan for your life when your eyes are filled with tears. To be fearful is ludicrous considering the fact that the only human to escape death, whose father created the very essence of my being, is on MY side.

...But I've got this whole, constant sick-to-my stomach feeling that doesn't want to leave me alone. So, prayer requests? Well, one that the 80+ support letters I sent out would be praying about supporting me-because there is a deadline soon and I will need 50% of the money for Thailand by then. Also, for me as I'm trying to spiritually and mentally prepare myself for the trip... And for discipline in my studies. I think that sums it up.

Thank you :o)

-Aly

Because that's the way it is.

Sometimes I can be discouraged so easily.

I want to have faith, but it's slipping away from me no

matter how hard I try to hold on it seems. I have very

many decision to make, and tests to study for, & papers

to write- but there never seems to be enough time in

the world. WHYYYYYY must I have to blindly choose

what to do when it comes to this fall? Now, I know that's

not completely legit, I am earnestly praying for where God

would have me, but He hasn't replied. That leaves me feeling

scared and in the dark, even though I know he doesn't mean

for it to. 

I have so much reading to do, I've really let myself get behind.

No good, no good. Also, I woke up this morning with a sick bug...

and in a very awful mood. I'm feeling a bit better now, though-

thank you Lord. but wow, this blog SHOULD be labeled "How

many things can Aly complain about in 5 minutes." I truly am

sorry for to you if you're reading this, because it's out of

character. 

OK, bye.

We can never escape God's lovely essence.

&we'reback

Remember this. When people choose to withdraw far from a fire,

 the fire continues to give them warmth, but they grow cold. 

When people choose to withdraw far from light, 

the Light continues to be bright in itself, but they are in darkness.

This is also true when people withdraw from God.

~Augustine

ohhhhhhhhh dear,

It's been awhile since I've blogged. First, finals; then, Christmas festivities. I went to Illinois with my family. It was great to get to catch up with everyone. I absolutely adore my cousins, nieces, nephew, grandparents aunts & uncles; I couldn't have been blessed with a more incredible family & am sad that my visit to the north had to end.

College. College. College. Being a senior in high school, the most popular questions pertain to college and my plans for this fall. And sure, I have many ideas and plans,  but God hasn't exactly given me that certain direction to what HIS plan and HIS ideas are for me in the fall. It's nerve wrecking, most definitely. I've applied to Liberty University & have acceptance there-- It's a possibility and a hope still. I've started my application to Moody, so we shall see how that goes as well. But typing anymore of college stuff is unnecessary. I onlyyyyy have a few more days of break & I am most definitely not wanting them to pass by too fast or with too much thought of school, ya dig? :)

mmmmm, anyways as it's almost 3AM I think it's time for me to wrap this brief post up. But I'm sure to be back on here soon. It's been a super awesome week. :o)

-Aly