My Future Husband:

I pray for you daily and I think of you often. I pray that the Lord is strengthening you and teaching you a lot. I pray you are relying on His strength and being submissive to His will. I pray that you are seeking His face and after His heart. I pray that you are daily growing in wisdom and stature. I hope you think of me. I pray also that the Lord is making me into the woman you need me to be. That I would also grow and be a woman worthy of your love. -aer

The Challenge

Something that has been hitting me hard lately is the cruelty of this world. It seems I've been told a lot in some way or another that: this world will only tear people like me up. That I need to be more guarded, that I need to be tougher, that I don't need to befriend everyone, that I shouldn't even be nice to everyone.

People seem to often mistake my kindness to ignorance. This is absolutely not the case. Initially, to be kind is my choice. But in reality, every ounce of kindness I've ever been able to give anyone has been Christ whose spirit dwells within me. I am called to love people; even if that love is not reciprocated. Because if we're being honest, kindness and love is not often something that is reciprocated properly. We tend to be selfish with our kindness and our love. What's funny is that we're not willing to give kindness and love because we're afraid that no one will give us theirs. It's an excruciating cycle that needs to be broken.

We need to love and pour kindness into people daily as if we'll never have another chance, never have another moment to do so... our selfish worries and desires shouldn't get in the way of that no matter what the world says.

'Guarding' and 'looking out' for ourselves isn't practical when the Creator of the universe is on your side. Regardless of whether or not this world tears down 'people like me' I could care less. My God fights for me. He defends me, He loves me and He is proud of me when I love His people without bounds.

It's hard to make amends
I know it isn't easy but try and understand
It's really not that bad
Through my eyes I'll see you there
Its hard to understand
When no one ever seems to care
And with my words I'll make a change
And try to rearrange

And walls of fear come crashing down
I won't look back don't turn around
And with my life I'll make a change
And hope we'll all be friend again

And walls of fear come crashing down
And ill never be the same
I won't look back don't turn around
And ill never be the same

-Hawk Nelson

I don't belong here

For whatever reason lately I've been feeling disconnected. From my family, from school, from Raleigh, from Virginia, from Illinois- from any place I've ever called home. Even when I am surrounded by people I love I have felt disconnected. If you've felt this way before, you know this emotion is not a comfortable one to have. I am sad to say that I know I have handled the emotion with immaturity. I have so full heartedly been seeking the Lord and His will for me, my faith has been strong and my doubt has been thwarted. In that, I know this feeling of disconnection is a tool from the enemy to draw me away from furthering the Kingdom. In this feeling of being distant and disconnected I began searching for my purpose. I've been searching everywhere trying to understand why it is that I am here and were I'm suppose to be and to who I belong.

In all of this searching and scrambling I've allowed myself to become consumed in all of these insignificant earthly thoughts. I've been pushed off track and worries and wonders have flooded my insight and passion. My instinct was to become disappointed in myself, but I've realized now more than ever that I am a target. No one ever said following God with every lashing effort was going to be easy. No one said you wouldn't cry. No one said your passion would come easy. The only thing promised, is that He would never leave us to stand alone.

Following Christ takes sacrifice and surrender. It's not always easy, and persecution is always on it's way; but when you enter this incredible journey and relationship with the One who has created you, you'll never be the same.

I've made my decision, I know where my inheritance lies.

In the midst of the enemy telling me I am alone and disconnected and that I don't belong here I've come to one realization.

I truly don't belong here. My citizenship is in Heaven. My heart can be tempted and tainted but I will forever rest in that truth.

My heart is steadfast, my mind has been made a long time ago. One slip off a path will not be enough from keeping my God from using me and captivating my every essence.

"Father, help me to see this isn't my full reward; help my soul to know it's not here."

-Shelly Moore Band

Father,

Keep my eyes on you. Please give me Your strength and Your wisdom to keep myself in check. Help me to continue to love Your people with an undeniable passion. Help me to understand the significance of surrender. Help me to deny myself the ways of this world in pursuit for your Holy will for me. I love you, too.

"If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lost it, but whoever loses his life for me and for the gospel will save it. What good is it for a man to gain the whole world, yet forfeit his soul?" Mark 8:34-36

A thankful heart

Lord,



You are bigger, You are stronger. You are the deliverer. You provide and You never stop loving. You have forgiven me, You died and saved me. You are jealous for me and Your ways are wondrous. Your love is vast and Your will is perfect. You have restored me completely and You comfort continuously. You have called me as Your own; You know me, and You have ownership over me. You are the only good in me. You constantly sustain me. You were before all things and all things come together for Your good. Abba, You bless me, You protect me, You FIGHT for me. You hold me in the palm of Your hand. You have called me Your child. You don't need me, but You use me anyways. You are my purpose. You set me FREE. You strengthen me. You are sovereign, You are bold with power and grace- Your mercy is UNDENIABLE. I am ever thankful Father that You have used me and love me. You have called me Your daughter. You have my broken heart; humble my prideful mind. You give me peace, You are the quencher of my thirsty soul. You are gracious to me; You are the example of selfless. You allow me the PRIVILEGE of worshipping You. and oh, I am so thankful.

I love you, too.

let the good times roll

"My soul yearns, even faints, for the courts of the Lord; my heart and my flesh cry out for the living God." -Psalm 84:2

Abba,

Help my passion for you rise, and my distractions fade; let my faith remain.

Please become my sole purpose

Please be my One and Only; my Beloved

Help my eyes to stay on You

Give me and obsession for Your Word

Let my life be a testimony to those around me

Allow people to look at me and see only You

Help me to do better; to be better

I love you too, father.

Time is on our side.

Someone you see yourself marrying/being with in the future:

I’ve been avoiding this one for awhile. It’s taken me a few days to decide how to answer it, but I’m just going to go ahead and compile somewhat of a list. I have a jar in my dorm room and the jar is filled with qualities that I look for in a husband; so here we go.

The man I’d be most interested in will:

1. Have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. He’ll understand the significance of being saved and of sacrifice and surrender to the King.

2. Seek after the Lord’s own heart just like David.

3. Pray for wisdom like Solomon.

4. Be equally yolked with me. (2 Corinthians 6:14-18)

5. Has to be okay with adopting an Asian baby.

6. Must enjoy: Hiking, climbing things, camping.

7. Some sort of artistic ability (music, photography, ect.)

8. Some sort of athletic ability (the desire to take care of them self)

9. A strong love for his family.

10. A strong love for his mother.

11. An actual sense of humor.

12. Discretion for serious situations.

13. Protective over what he loves.

14. Generous.

15. Stable.

16. Able to lead, but make decisions together.

17. Has a sense of drive and perseverance.

18. Encouraging and assuring.

19. Zero arrogance.

20. Able to criticize and take criticism.

21. Able to love without bounds (firstly of the savor)

22. Allow me to have the biggest dog in the whole world.

23. Have a strong passion and beliefs unable to be wavered.

24. Has a sense of adventure.

25. Could live in another country.

I think that’s good.

Ephesians 2:10

“We are God’s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works which God prepared in advanced for us to do.”

1. We are God’s

2. We are His workmanship

3. We were created to do good works.

Let God love you.

In the heart of things.

Today has not been the best of days; my heart is not in the best of conditions and, through that, I am reminded of so many things.

First, my mission:

“As the rain and snow come down from heaven,
and do not return to it without watering the earth
and making it bud and flourish,so that it yields seed
for the sower and bread for the eater,so is my word
that goes out from my mouth:it will not return to me empty,
but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose
for which I sent it. You will go out in joy and be led fourth in peace;
the mountains and hills will burst into song before you,
and all the trees of the field will clap their hands.
Instead of the thornbush will grow the pine tree,
and instead of the briers the myrtle will grow.
This will be for the Lord’s renown. for an everlasting sign,
which will not be destroyed.”

-Isaiah 55:10-13

I was created for a specific purpose. It has nothing to do with me, and all with furthering the kingdom of Christ. My heart can rest at knowing it has a purpose, at knowing it wasn’t created for nothing.

Secondly: I am so easily reminded of the steadfast heart that I am called to have-

Steadfast:

1. Firmly fixed in direction; steadily directed
2. Firm in purpose, resolution, faith
3. Firmly established; unwavering

“Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me”
-Psalm 51:10

“They are steadfast forever and ever, done in faithfulness and uprightness.”
-Psalm 111:8

“You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts you.”
-Isaiah 26:3

“He will have no fear of bad news; his heart is steadfast, trusting in the Lord.
-Psalm 119:5

Beyond anything, I know that no matter what goes on with my heart; the Lord has an everlasting hold on it. My heart is steadfast- fixed in direction, and unable to be wavered. It’s firmly established and firm in purpose.

I am so thankful for these reminders.

I’ve come to realize that not everything is what it seems. It’s not always easy, it’s not always pretty and it’s not always fun. But that’s what’s exhilarating about it all, isn’t it? If it’s not easy, we learn about endurance. If it’s not pretty, we learn to be grateful. If it’s not fun we learn to change it for the better. Endurance, to be grateful, and to understand change are such vital and important aspects of life. It’s like going through the bad to reach the good, spending time on earth before entering heaven…trial and error, shooting for the moon and missing. Failure isn’t the end of what we’re trying; it’s the beginning of something new, that could be better than what we ever had imagined. We’ve just got to give that possibility a chance before disqualifying it in our own minds. We’ve got to love without being loved in return to truly understand the significance of what love is. We have to understand what it is to be broken, before being made whole by the One who created us. We can question and ask why all that we please; when it comes down to it, “why?” is a constant pause. We have to continue; keep on keeping on so to speak. It’s ok to be angry, it’s ok to be mad, it’s ok to cry. IT’S OK TO FEEL, because feeling those emotions is what reminds us that we’re still here. We’re still breathing and alive and we’re still worth it. We’ve got to stick up for ourselves, which doesn’t mean always mean immediately reacting. Most of the time, it means stepping back, assessing the situation and saying how you feel. It’s time for us to be BOLD in what we believe, to love enough, to encourage enough, to FIND happiness in every direction; because it’s there, we’re just not always looking. We have to remember we can’t expect others to change if we, in turn aren’t willing to change ourselves. When we leave this place, life goes on. We have to leave our legacy and leave it to benefit those who come after us. It’s worth it, we’re worth it, and they’re worth it. Every decision counts.

-aer

Perfection

My entire life it seems as though perfection has been my goal. This isn't exactly the issue, because as I strive to live a life sacrificing and pleasing to Christ it SHOULD also be my goal to be perfect just as He lead a blameless, perfect life. The problem with me, is that I am so hard on myself, that when that impossible perfection is not reached in my life I can't accept it. Not only is this extremely stressful as nothing in my life or actions are perfect, but at this point especially after this year, I am just exhausted. I am so tired of failing constantly and then beating myself up over it. I'm tired of holding onto my own strength and trying to persevere alone. I am weak in every single possible way. I can't focus on anything that needs to be focused on. (aka the exam that I've been trying to study for all day) In reality, Christ is going to be pleased with my striving to live above reproach; although what He will not be pleased with is me tearing myself down, and my trying to use my own strength. Hello reality check, and Father please forgive me for my human ignorance and insignificance.

"But He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me." 2 Corinthians 12:9

I am loved.

1 Corinthians 13

Love is patient; even when I want answers.

Love is kind; even when kindness is not returned.

Love does not envy; even when I see others progressing while I feel I’m on hold.

Love does not boast; even when I know I’ve done something right.

Love is not proud; even when I see wrong in someone else’s life.

Love is not rude; even when I feel attacked and broken down.

Love is not self-seeking; even when I am scared and feel alone.

Love is not easily angered; even when anger is the goal.

Love keeps no record of wrongs; no matter what is done.

Love does not delight in evil; no matter what.

Love delight’s in truth; especially when my heart prevails in His word.

Love protects; no matter what it costs me.

Love always hopes; even when I don’t feel that hope.

Love always perseveres; even when I want to give up daily…

Love Never Fails.

Day 8: Today, my human doubts engulfed me, and I prevailed through.

My own advice

This has been a very difficult year for me. I know people say that your first year at college will probably be the easiest, but I don't think that's true for me. My character, my heart, my faith my very essence has been stretched and torn apart in so many ways I wasn't expecting. I knew I was going to grow and mature, but not in the way that I have. God's way is ultimately better, but in my human insignificance I could have never thought I would grow the way that I have. When I look back to 8 months ago, I don't think I could have possibly prepared myself for the year I had ahead of me. I know that's why God didn't choose to enlighten me the way He was going to use me, and how He was going to use me this year... I'm truly thankful for that, because He does know my character and He does know that I worry and He does know that I allow myself to be overwhelmed so easily. (He also knows I'm working on that)

I think what frustrates me the most, is that I know I've come so far, but I am so aware of how far I still have to go from here. I know the ways I need to grow and mature in and I have such a desire to grow in my faith and knowledge of the love and word of God.

Being on leadership my freshman year was the best thing that could have happened to me. Through leading my prayer group each week I was given so much. I grew immensely through teaching, and I also bonded with a group of amazing girls and was able to love, encourage, and pray for them joyfully.

A couple weeks ago I did a lesson about pieces. I first used Romans 12:1-2 which talks about sacrificing our bodies as a spiritual act of worship to the Lord. I told them that as humans, we so easily take pieces of ourselves and give them away to people, or thoughts, worries, and more. Then I explained that as Christians, it should be our desire to be used by God to the fullest, and in order to do that we literally need to sacrifice all our will and desires in order to be used by His good, pleasing, and perfect will. (Rom 12:2) I was asked to give the lesson again last night to our Leadership Prayer Groups. But I added a something: I've realized since I did the lesson with my prayer group, that sometimes we give these pieces away subconsciously. I realized that I do this way too much... slowly but surely I begin to fall into pieces, then continue to take those pieces and give them to other people and to my own thoughts and desires.

An analogy I used was to think of flower pots. Now, flower pots, just as us have been created for a specific purpose. They were made in order for things to be planted and cultivated in order to grow into beautiful things. I took a hammer and broke the flower pot into a ton of pieces and explained that in pieces, the flower pot can't be used for what it was created to do. You may be able to put some dirt on one of the pieces, but nothing will grow. I feel like this is the perfect example for when we are in pieces.

My encouragement was to get serious about submission to Christ; take a step back, revaluate and see where the pieces of our lives our. Once we've surrendered all the pieces over to Him, everything else falls into place; we become whole.

I've so desperately been called out by this in my own life. I needed to take my own advice, and slowly but surely, things are falling back into place.

Something New:

Tuesday April 6th:

Day 1: Today I decided to do something that will challenge me.

Wednesday April 7th:

Day 2: Today I talked to many strangers, and asked them about themselves. The bus driver called me cheerful.

Thursday April 8th:

Day 3: Today I’m not wearing shoes. I’m going to raise awareness for this cause regardless of the bus drivers and teachers who tell me I can’t.

Friday April 9th:

Day 4: Today I asked a stranger if I could take a picture of them

Saturday April 10th:

Day 5: Today, I chose to be happy anyways. I found beauty in simple things.

Sunday April 11th:

Day 6: Today I made a decision I didn’t want to make, relying on the only hope I knew how to find. Thanks, Abba.

Monday April 12th:

Day 7: Today I lead the leaders.

There's an update.... more to come. :o)

Why should I gain from His reward?

How deep the Fathers love for me

How vast beyond all measure

That He should give His only Son

To make a wretch His treasure

How great the pain of searing loss

The Father turns His face away

As wounds which mar the chosen One

Bring many sons to glory

Behold the man upon a cross

My guilt upon His shoulders

Ashamed I hear my mocking voice

Call out among the scoffers

It was my sin that held Him there

Until it was accomplished

His dying breath has brought me life

I know that it is finished

I will not boast in anything

No gifts, no power, no wisdom

But I will boast in Jesus Christ

His death and resurrection

Why should I gain from His reward?

I cannot give an answer

But this I know with all my heart

His wounds have paid my ransom

I cannot believe I gain from Christ's reward. I cannot believe He chooses to use me. I cannot believe that He has forgiven me, wholly. I cannot believe that He loves me. I cannot believe He wants me to spend eternity with Him. I cannot believe that His strength is made PERFECT through my weakness.

But I have to believe. My heart is steadfast, O Lord, My heart is steadfast.

Abba,

I thank you so much for the greatest pain you felt on that cross even for the least of my sins. I am so grateful that through my mistakes, you can still find a way to be glorified. You've given me immense opportunity to serve You and You've given me and overwhelming peace that I am in the center of Your will. Father, I am so thankful for that.

Lord, I believe; help my unbelief.

Yours alone,

-Aly

New beginnings

I just completed writing in my entire journal. Finishing a journal is almost like ending a chapter; I went back through almost everything that I have written. I started the journal my first day in Thailand. At the moment, I’m so filled with so many emotions. There have been times in these past 7 months that I have been so broken, so beat down; yet there have been times where it’s so evident I was seeking the perfect will of God for my life. It’s safe to say I’ve grown up a lot since I started this journal, God has fixed so many problems and I’ve been able to mature immensely. I also realize I have so much more growing, and maturing to do and I think I truly am looking forward to that.

Here’s one entry that brings me a bit of encouragement:

28 August 2009-

Father,
I don’t know how you continuously do this- but you have blessed me beyond belief! why would you love me and hold me so tight? Why would you choose to use me? I am so unworthy yet you give me so much! Father I will never understand why you chose a wretched soul like me to do your work- but know that I am so thankful, so grateful for your love! There is no one like you; there never could be! I praise you Jesus and I worship you always. My heart is forever yours, I’m asking you to keep it and protect it forever. Only share it when it is your perfect timing and know that I am ok with that. Even though I will complain- know that I want what and who you have planned for me.

I am personally thankful for:

Surrendering
Learning I am loved
Coming to Liberty
Leading a prayer group
Finding hope
Having Faith
Endurance to love
My family
My friends
My roommate <3
Dorm leadership
Rachel Ivy Glasser
Clarification
New friends
Patience

I love you Abba

Love, Aly

Confession:

I have been using another blog. I've been pulled into the world of tumblr. I will try to maintain my blogspot as well though. no more neglecting. :)